I never knew what it was like to get my heart broken until she broke mine
And yet I still hope for her name to light up my phone
Saying she’s sorry
That she screwed up and she wants me back
God damn it I hate how people romanticise heartbreak
There is nothing pretty about being hurt so badly
You feel like there is nothing left
Loving somebody so much you lose sight of anything rational
Because damn I still find myself awake at 4am outside smoking
with your name on the imprint of my mind
Trying to burn out your name from my throat
Crying over how much I miss you
How I miss your voice
Your touch
How I would have you back although you hurt me so profoundly
There is nothing pretty about this unhealthy love
I would much rather you left me with bruises and scars
than the pain you left me internally
(I miss you so much)
And I am going absolutely fucking insane over the thought of you with her. I’ve tried everything. Breaking my teeth on vodka bottles and drowning myself in pills. I’ve pretended to be happy and I’ve let my sadness kill me. I’ve tried cutting myself out of my skin. Nothing fucking changes. Nothing fucking helps. All those days I thought you were keeping me afloat, turns out you’ve been drowning me this whole time.
Catherine Barstow (fuck it all anyways)

let’s play a game of truth or dare.

you go first.

i do not care what you choose, for either one will break open your shell. the demons are coming. darkness will surround you and you will fall from a 200 ft cliff into a never ending abyss. your deepest fears will come to haunt you and you will wish you were better to me. as you scream out no one will be there to hear you. you are alone.

except for me.

i will be standing at the edge of that same cliff, watching. waiting. i want to hear your bones shatter one by one just as you made mine do after you said goodbye. or at least, your version of goodbye. i never actually got a definitive answer from you. you just fucking left. coward.

if you should choose truth, tell me what was going through your head that night. tell me what on earth made it fucking okay to leave me like that. tell me how someone so soft and beautiful could be so cold and cruel. tell me what changed. tell me about the moment your heart cracked and black blood spilled out. there was no love in that. you never even knew what love is. and you probably never will because you fucked yourself over the day you walked away. whatever shitty excuse you have will never justify the utter state of abandonment you left me in. i just want to know what went wrong. don’t try to hide the facts. eventually we will find out and we will come haunt you. yes. we. plural. your demons and me. however, i think they’ll do all the work for me. so please. please tell me what the fuck went through your mind when you decided it was okay to leave me in your rear view mirror and never look back.

or if you should choose dare, i dare you to fuck yourself up just as bad as you fucked me over. maybe then you’ll understand. maybe not. because your ribs will never break in the same way mine did. you don’t feel. you don’t have any remorse. and fuck me for ever thinking you gave one damn about me.

i’ll see you at the bottom of the drop. because after i get the satisfaction of hearing you break into a million tiny pieces, i will leap and meet you on the other side.

maybe there we can love each other right.

my first love (via myth-called-love)